The first day of school can be exciting, daunting and anxiety inducing to say the least. The first day in a new country, in a new city on the first day of school is a whole different ball game. My entire first term at drama school in New York City, 3,470 miles from my family and friends I kept thinking they had mistaken me for someone else. There was another British, South Asian, 23 year old woman from Birmingham named “Karen” and at any moment someone would burst into my acting class and say “You! You from Birmingham, you're not meant to be here!” - no one ever did that and no one ever said that to me. I said it to myself out of disbelief that I was in the city of apples I’d grown up watching on television as a child. I said it to sabotage myself so I wouldn’t be disappointed if it all ended as fast as it had begun.

Over the last few years I’ve worked extensively in Theatre, film and television, I was cast in Shakespeare in the park in 2017 after graduating, I starred in the Amazon Prime short film “Frank’s Plan” and I’ve performed on stage at the world renowned Carnegie Hall for over 2,800 people. I’ve worked with Tony award winners, Emmy award winning composers and some of the most talented actors I’ve ever met. The feeling I had in drama school of “I’m not meant to be here” hadn’t fully subsided but I learned how to trace that feeling back to its source - insecurity. In the last year I've found a new feeling that compels me forward through feeling insecure, it's stronger than my negative thoughts and bigger and more important than my anxiety - it’s my purpose.

This year in particular, I have had more than enough time to grapple with my insecurities and most of those thoughts are actually questions. “What if I never get to do this?”, “How can I do it?”, “Is this the right thing to do?”. After turning 30 this year, I had to sit down and reassess what I was doing with my career during lockdown. I wanted to actively let go of what was holding me back, whether that meant toxic people, self doubt or even my own mind. In March 2020 I was interviewed on BBC Sounds radio show Midlands Masala, I was asked questions about my experience in New York and how the pandemic has affected the industry and if I had any advice for aspiring actors. I get that question a lot and I often feel put on the spot and pressured into giving the right answer. What if someone is listening to this and hoping my answer is the key to helping them? I had better say something brilliant!

The truth is I don’t have a “how to guide” and I don’t think anyone does. I used to watch interviews and read magazine articles with some of the actors that have inspired me when I was younger, hoping I could unlock a secret key into it all but the reality is, everyone's path is different. We are the center of each of our own universes and as much as I was inspired by Meryl we don’t share the same lot in life and that’s okay. It's all part of the data collection to learn from each other but to stay on your path and focus on your own universe. The insight I can share is that there has always been this feeling for me that I can only describe as a cosmic force compelling me into embarking on this journey. It feels like my purpose, it feels bigger than me and if I look back on the darker times or times where I have felt low, whatever pulled me out of that is connected to that feeling. It has always felt right, no matter how hard it has been along the way and that is what I want to share. The feeling you have that being creative is your true path is the only thing you need to follow, if that's a voice for you then it's the only voice you need to listen to.

When I got accepted in drama school, one of the first people I told was my grandfather who I call Nanaji. Nanaji and I talk every day at around 8.30pm and there were a lot of questions in the summer of 2014. “How will you pay for school?”, “where will you live?”, “why so far away?”. The most memorable thing he said during that time was “There’s not many Indian people on tv” it fuelled me - cut to him saying in 2021, “there's too many Indians on tv”. I had so many comments about getting into school in NYC during that time including from a nurse giving me an injection for travelling who said I was just like Mindy Kahling from The Mindy show in other words “Brown and in New York”. The years have gone by and the representation has grown and there is more than just Mindy for reference now. Even my grandfather was starting to see more representation of people who look like him and I am currently a part of the ever changing industry. When I was in the middle of my third year the questions of concern subsided, they could see that this was working out for me, I was working really hard and doing well but they still called everyday to tell me “don’t go outside in the dark”. My grandparents helped pay for part of the tuition that got me through drama school and my grandmother, my nani has my first professional headshot in a picture frame. 

There were some days living in New York when I felt lost, like I lost my compass through life. Everything was a struggle, paying rent, eating, making time for friends, auditioning and trying to live in another country across an ocean from my family. Life in New York is not what you see on instagram, it can eat you alive if you let it but it's one of the great loves of my life and I would not trade a second of it. I had auditioned for drama schools in the UK when I turned 18 and spent the next five years trying to get into RADA when I happened to pick up an audition for The American Academy of Dramatic Arts in NYC. My path took me there, I'm beyond grateful for it everyday, not just for the acting classes or the teachers who pushed me beyond my quiet exterior but for the friends I made, the classmates who nicknamed me the secret box and the very british beans on toasts nights I had with my best friend Eliza. I met people there who I can’t imagine my life without now and it's no exaggeration to say that I would trust my entire heart in the hands of any of them. 

I want to share what advice I think I would have benefitted from hearing when I was younger about this journey I was about to make. I spent far too many years hiding in my bedroom and envisioning the life I wanted when I could have been out there living it. I worked at the Birmingham Hippodrome Theatre while I auditioned for schools in secret and when I told my colleagues I was leaving and moving to New York, most were shocked and didn’t even know I was interested in acting. I kept everything close to my chest, I spent years convincing myself that this was a secret dream that I only could know about because other people would pick it apart and take it away from me. It felt like I was out there on my own with this impossible dream that plausibly would not come true but when I look back on my accolades now, I have achieved more that I thought possible and that is proof enough that this is my purpose as an artist it just took me a little longer to get started.

When I graduated I was the only person of South Asian heritage even though my class was made up of nearly 100 people from all over the world. When I was in Julius Caesar at the public Theater, I was the only British South Asian person in the entire cast that included an ensemble of 50 people. When I played the lead in the British play “Good Fit” A story about the 7/7 terrorist attacks in London, the casting director struggled to find another South Asian actress to play my sister. I thrived in situations back then when I was the only one in the room representing my culture because I did not know any different, not many South Asian people choose to go into creative careers so this was just another part of the terrority. I started growing tired of being the only one in the room a few years ago. When I see us on screen I am overjoyed with this feeling that is connected to that cosmic force, I see Riz Ahmed, Anya Chalotra and Jameela Jamil and I don’t feel so alone anymore. The feeling I get from seeing people like me on screen is what I hope to bring to other aspiring actors and that is what my purpose is, we have stories to be told and narratives built around our joy and our sadness and an obligation to share those experiences.

My advice would be to find that cosmic force for yourself and listen to it louder than any other part of you. This is not an easy career to follow, at 16 when everyone was choosing where to go after school I found the whole process confusing. I knew exactly what I wanted to be but saying it out loud and choosing it forever was hard. I have an A level in Drama but that doesn’t equate to a career and it certainly doesn’t say anything about my ability to act, at least not in the same way having an A level in Economics or biology does. I had to figure out a way to carve a path despite the odds and that is not easy, especially in a south Asian community when creative arts careers are seen as frivolous choices.

What I have learned from this year from the years I spent doubting my ability is that all it does is hold you back from your true path. I had to make tough choices this year, I have let go of people who no longer have a place in my life and I have poured more love into the relationships I think deserve more of my time. In 2020 we lost the things we thought were important, many people lost money, careers, opportunities and even people they cared about to Covid. When you stop to think about what is actually important and how much time you waste on the things that aren’t, pretty quickly you start to see how short life is. If there is a strong solid feeling like a cosmic force telling you that this is the right thing, whatever that is, it's in your best interest to listen to that feeling. You could change the world with it and we need more people to be brave enough to do that.

If you liked this then please hit the like button below and share it with your friends and family on Facebook, Twitter or Tumblr. You can find out more about Karen on her website here and on her IMDb page here.